Advice on women thread

tapu wrote:Heroine, save me... I thought, hey, maybe I'll try that thread. Advice on women, sure. The tapu, personally, needs absolutely no advice in this area, but what the hell.

And it's about how men pee????

Shit, no wonder I get so many women. You men are clueless!


However, I have one contribution to this topic: It is physically, medically better for men to pee sitting down. Look it up.

It was also physically, medically better for me not to eat 8 slices of bacon this morning. I still did it.

Women love uniforms.

bandersnatch45 wrote:Women love uniforms.

.....on the floor.

Mags wrote:

bandersnatch45 wrote:Women love uniforms.

.....on the floor.

How to dance with a woman and survive:

1. Rule number one - wear your manlihood shifted to your left side. (because of rule #2)

2. Always position yourself so she is straddling your right leg. Your right leg should be able to go through hers and vice versa - you must be offset. Aim
to keep your right pectoral between her two pectorals

3. DO NOT place your right hand lower than where the bra strap would be - no holding at the waist - keep that hand up higher on the shoulder blade. You can control EVERYTHING she does when you have contact with the rib cage. I tell my guys to imagine her breasts are on her back in relatively the same distance from the floor and then cup one gently. (Although never say this when teaching a father/daughter wedding dance)

4. Keep that hand with fingers closed, it's cupping, not groping. And keep it on the back. We don't need you to fondle the side boob.

5. Do whatever it takes to get some instruction about rhythm - get Hank or some drummer to teach you the difference between an upbeat and a downbeat and just practice keeping time on your own.

6. Just move on your own - don't ever try to "lead" her by any force at all. It's follow the leader, not "do this or I will physically force you to". Move and hold your own arms still and in a fixed position, not stiff, just still. Just move anywhere, forward, side, doesn't matter, one step at a time, but forget about her, she needs a leader and you just have to take control of yourself and let her worry about how to keep up. Keep your offset position at all times and you are golden.

7. When you want her to turn simply raise your left hand up like you are giving the turn signal for a right turn, but slightly higher. Women just turn when this happens, it's universal. They may not turn the direction you think they will but they will go for it, trust me. Keep the fingers lightly connected, no gripping and let her turn under her own arm. You don't need to extend your arm forward, she turns under her own arm when you give the go ahead.

8. After she has turned - NEVER attempt to pull her back in - just go to her and keep your composure of cool and in control. She is likely out of control or like she was just let out of a cage at this point, so just be a storm chaser.

9. Get something that weighs about 50 lbs. like a small suitcase filled. Now, attempt to set it on the floor. Notice how you bend your knees and sort of squat and how you will extend your arms toward the floor while holding and supporting the weight, straightening the arms but keeping the biceps flexed. Also notice how it could be bad to bend over - back injury. Remember this stance. Anytime you are going to attempt to dip her or you just end up having to catch her as she throws herself into one and you are just damage control - remember the suitcase - DO NOT BEND at the waist - lower your center by squating and control the weight with the legs and biceps. Keep your head up.

10.If you do attempt to dip her, always, always always remember your stance and support her ONLY with hands just below her shoulder blades and never at the waist. To initiate it - draw her close to you straddling your right leg so that her body is actually touching yours and close, and then slowly begin to bed your knees and then let her take it from there while you control the weight of her upper body with legs and biceps. To bring her up use
your legs only - start standing up again and she will just pop right up ( I hope).

Always look at her like she is doing EXACTLY what you wanted her to do and never give a sour or frustrated face. Don't take your eyes off her - make her think she is your favorite dance partner of all time. You can visually control her - I know how to do it. If she tries to lead just gently take control again, laugh and make sure you give her plenty of opportunities to do an underarm turn because for some reason it gets women high as a kite.


Always thank her for the dance, even if you've been together for years, and walk her off the floor like a gentleman by holding her hand or the arm in arm escort. Thank her for her patience and tell her you really love dancing with her and want to do it more so that you can really get a feel for each other (lie, we have to).

ziggy wrote:How to dance with a woman and survive:

1. Rule number one - wear your manlihood shifted to your left side. (because of rule #2)

2. Always position yourself so she is straddling your right leg. Your right leg should be able to go through hers and vice versa - you must be offset. Aim
to keep your right pectoral between her two pectorals

3. DO NOT place your right hand lower than where the bra strap would be - no holding at the waist - keep that hand up higher on the shoulder blade. You can control EVERYTHING she does when you have contact with the rib cage. I tell my guys to imagine her breasts are on her back in relatively the same distance from the floor and then cup one gently. (Although never say this when teaching a father/daughter wedding dance)

4. Keep that hand with fingers closed, it's cupping, not groping. And keep it on the back. We don't need you to fondle the side boob.

5. Do whatever it takes to get some instruction about rhythm - get Hank or some drummer to teach you the difference between an upbeat and a downbeat and just practice keeping time on your own.

6. Just move on your own - don't ever try to "lead" her by any force at all. It's follow the leader, not "do this or I will physically force you to". Move and hold your own arms still and in a fixed position, not stiff, just still. Just move anywhere, forward, side, doesn't matter, one step at a time, but forget about her, she needs a leader and you just have to take control of yourself and let her worry about how to keep up. Keep your offset position at all times and you are golden.

7. When you want her to turn simply raise your left hand up like you are giving the turn signal for a right turn, but slightly higher. Women just turn when this happens, it's universal. They may not turn the direction you think they will but they will go for it, trust me. Keep the fingers lightly connected, no gripping and let her turn under her own arm. You don't need to extend your arm forward, she turns under her own arm when you give the go ahead.

8. After she has turned - NEVER attempt to pull her back in - just go to her and keep your composure of cool and in control. She is likely out of control or like she was just let out of a cage at this point, so just be a storm chaser.

9. Get something that weighs about 50 lbs. like a small suitcase filled. Now, attempt to set it on the floor. Notice how you bend your knees and sort of squat and how you will extend your arms toward the floor while holding and supporting the weight, straightening the arms but keeping the biceps flexed. Also notice how it could be bad to bend over - back injury. Remember this stance. Anytime you are going to attempt to dip her or you just end up having to catch her as she throws herself into one and you are just damage control - remember the suitcase - DO NOT BEND at the waist - lower your center by squating and control the weight with the legs and biceps. Keep your head up.

10.If you do attempt to dip her, always, always always remember your stance and support her ONLY with hands just below her shoulder blades and never at the waist. To initiate it - draw her close to you straddling your right leg so that her body is actually touching yours and close, and then slowly begin to bed your knees and then let her take it from there while you control the weight of her upper body with legs and biceps. To bring her up use
your legs only - start standing up again and she will just pop right up ( I hope).

Always look at her like she is doing EXACTLY what you wanted her to do and never give a sour or frustrated face. Don't take your eyes off her - make her think she is your favorite dance partner of all time. You can visually control her - I know how to do it. If she tries to lead just gently take control again, laugh and make sure you give her plenty of opportunities to do an underarm turn because for some reason it gets women high as a kite.


Always thank her for the dance, even if you've been together for years, and walk her off the floor like a gentleman by holding her hand or the arm in arm escort. Thank her for her patience and tell her you really love dancing with her and want to do it more so that you can really get a feel for each other (lie, we have to).

I would give anything to dance with you Zigster, this summer I want to vacation in the Bay area and party with Dangrs and maybe we can sneak off somewhere for a little ballroom dancing, I have never danced with a professional like yourself.

For those of you who dont know, Ziggy is a semi retired professional ballroom dancer who decided to go to law school later in her life when her dancing career ended and she is now on her way to becoming an aspiring prosecutor in the DAs office and I wouldnt rule out someone with her drive and ambition actually becoming the DA herself someday, frankly. And she is one of my all-time favorite online personalities. She is about as real as they come. She loves wigs and pink pencils and is our very own living and breathing version of Reese Witherspoon in the film 'Legally Blonde.' And thats no insult, Reese kicked everyone's ass in that film and finished at the top of her class when all along nobody took her seriously.

This is a gal who works a full time job, goes to law school full time AND teaches ballroom dancing on her weekends, and I thought I was high strung and manical. Delusional? Perhaps. Inspiring and impressive? You bet!

Wow thanks man. If you are in the Bay Area we will get some dance time in for sure and I am going to work on meeting dangrs after finals. I gotta party with that man at least once in my life. (and teach him how to properly dip for his wife - you do have younger wives and you gotta have a little hand in that area).

Thanks for reminding me of my future goals. D.A.? I think so too. Hopefully I won't be too old. I have really high ideals though Pax and a concrete moral foundation. The legal ethics scare me. I cannot be asked to compromise them just to win and I know I'll run into it head on. I'll probably get fired; I know how hard-headed I can be and I suck at ass kissing politics and dog and pony shows (cocktail parties with nice small talk). I can do it like a pro but I hate every minute of it and tend to burn out and rebel. Every instructor likes to pick on how horrible the prosecutors are and then as an aside say, no there are some good ones....yikes, only some? No matter what, I still consider myself the cowboy (girl) in the white hat.

Pax
Let me know if you make it out here
Maybe we can all get together for a night of fun

ziggy wrote:Wow thanks man. If you are in the Bay Area we will get some dance time in for sure and I am going to work on meeting dangrs after finals. I gotta party with that man at least once in my life. (and teach him how to properly dip for his wife - you do have younger wives and you gotta have a little hand in that area).

Thanks for reminding me of my future goals. D.A.? I think so too. Hopefully I won't be too old. I have really high ideals though Pax and a concrete moral foundation. The legal ethics scare me. I cannot be asked to compromise them just to win and I know I'll run into it head on. I'll probably get fired; I know how hard-headed I can be and I suck at ass kissing politics and dog and pony shows (cocktail parties with nice small talk). I can do it like a pro but I hate every minute of it and tend to burn out and rebel. Every instructor likes to pick on how horrible the prosecutors are and then as an aside say, no there are some good ones....yikes, only some? No matter what, I still consider myself the cowboy (girl) in the white hat.

I think I shared with you once that I started my career as a prosecutor and one particular case involving POLITICS on the DAs part in an election year made me quite my legal career altogether and swore I would never go back, in time those wounds healed but from then on I decided I was best on the other side of that court room. YOU WILL run into a lot of political decisions working for the DA and/or becoming a DA and quickly learn that prosecutions, NOT ALWAYS, but sometimes and MORE THAN I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH are not ahbout justice but are rather about VOTES and this is esp true in election years but if ANYONE can change that and buck that old boys system it will be you, I am pretty damned good at reading people (usually) and I can see that you will end up doing some extraordinary things that may leave a lasting imprint on the furture and maybe even change a few things for the better.


I will get to the BAY area this summer and you, dangrs and I will have coffee and maybe even some other fun things and it will be MY TREAT and I wont have it any other way. We will talk more about that this spring.


My wife is considerably youger than I am she is 27 and I am 39 so I could use a few tips on how to dance properly and formally as that is she something she very much enjoys. To her credit she is the least jealous person I have ever known and has always allowed me to enjoy casual friendships with other ladies so she will have no problems with us going out on a date and doing some dancing together, I would be honored to be the presence of someone like you, a real professional dancer. I do love to dance and can hold my own but that is nothing compared to what you know and can teach me.

As for Bob you better believe you will be invited and dangrs is the man everyone needs to know and party with, not only is he a bit of a genuius but he knows how to put on a party for the ages as a professional rave promotor and deejay. He has hung with some of the guys known all over the states for their raves in bay area from what I understand and he sounds like one of the collest people I could imagine meeting.

Yes Pax you did share that with me and it freaked me a little - but I'll stay true to myself always and do what I think is best damned the consequences.

Mr zig is not jealous either - couldn't be with an opinionated free spirit like me and heck we just drag him along cuz he's actually really fun when his life isn't in pieces.

Bob - you in the South Bay? I forgot what you said in another thread.
I used to live in Foster City, San Jose and Gilroy.

More advice on women: if you can live without it, please let us throw it away. I know this borders on the bossy, but the whole wagon wheel coffee table issue can be a biggie.

Mr. zig finally threw away this gross papasan chair that I HATED (and it always tipped over with me in it). He actually did it to express his undying love for me. It took 3 years for him to realize that by giving up that chair he would get so much more I'm glad it's gone. Bad juju with that chair. I thank him for it everytime I go over there.

Zig
I live (so much as it is) in San Jose
Born in Minneapolis moved here when I was 1
Well my family did, they just dragged me along

women are soft and smell good.